I. Feel. Guilty.
Today is the 10th anniversary of my mother’s passing. But for the first time it was not the first thing I thought about today. When it finally popped into my memory later in the day, I felt guilty. It’s not as this anniversary hadn’t been on my thoughts earlier in the week, but today I forgot that it was the anniversary of January 20, 2009 – the day my mother passed.
However, there is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of her. Today it was because I had a taste for her gingerbread cake that she would often make, and so I pulled out her recipe box to find her recipe and baked it this morning for me. While smelling the sweet aroma of that molasses baking in the oven, I recalled one specific memory I have of her gingerbread cake.
I was perhaps twelve years old and had walked home from middle school one afternoon on a snowy and frigid day in which could have been any time between January and March in Northwest Indiana. We only had one car and Dad needed it to drive to work so Mom never picked us up from school no matter what the weather. We always walked.
But I specifically remember that afternoon when I walked into our warm home I could smell the delicious gingerbread cake she had just pulled out of the oven. After taking off my winter coat, gloves and boots I went into the kitchen and slid into my seat at the kitchen table and she served me a warm slice of gingerbread with butter on top to melt. It was warm and delicious!
When I served myself the same way, I felt very close to her. Perhaps it was good that I didn’t concentrate on her passing but instead on the warm memories that I have, and I don’t need to feel guilty. She would be happy that I baked this today.
Truth be told…I still wish that she could be sitting here at the table with me eating a portion for herself.
If you have a loved one that you have lost, grab your laptop or paper and pen and start Keeping Your Memories of that loved one. It is a helpful therapy while you are grieving.
- What legacy did he / she leave with you?
- What special moments did you share with him / her?